


Sugar we're going down swinging

by kittenmichael



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Fluff, I repeat, M/M, Sugar Daddy Ashton, Triggers, ashton is a rich business man, but i dunno maybe you'll like it anyway, i started this story as a joke, luke is a struggling college student, not serious writing, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-04-01 17:54:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4029229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenmichael/pseuds/kittenmichael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Luke is a broke college student with crippling anxiety, Ashton is a man who can spare some money (if given certain things) and everyone seems to have sad backstories. </p><p>[or Astrid aka me hits rock bottom]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeah this was posted somewhere else but i saw someone asking for sugardaddy!ash on lyricalpary's tumblr so yeah here you go :)

_Instant noodles_.

Luke fucking hated instant noodles, yet it was all he’d been eating in the past few months. Safe for the weekly Pizza Friday, and the occasional Pizza Tuesday, and all the days he spent eating leftovers.

Comes with the college budget, his roommate had commented upon hearing his complaints. You get used to it, apparently.

Luke didn’t agree. His stomach was churning dangerously at the sight of the piles of plastic pots in his cart, or maybe that was because of the fact that he was in a supermarket. About to pay.

His heart sank as he pushed the cart from aisle to aisle, obviously stalling. As much as he hated instant noodles, he preferred finding him in his cupboard over having to pick them up at the store by himself. Niall usually did that, Luke’s saving grace. He knew about Luke’s condition and respected it, or maybe he was just willing to do anything as long as he wasn’t the one who had to clean their dorm. Little shit.

But Niall wasn’t here now, off with some new friend to play football in the park, and Luke had a paper to work on, so he had no choice but to move to the counter.

At least the UK had self-check outs, which were all occupied. Just his luck. His hands became sweaty at the thought of a cashier, but it wasn’t like he had a better option. If he stayed here, standing like an idiot, his self-loathing thoughts would inevitably catch up with him. Because who on earth camps out at the self-check-outs when there’s a cashier standing a mere 6 feet away from him. The boy probably thought he was lame, what with his sweating hands and his erratic breathing and the fact that he’d been standing there for a good two minutes now and all the check-outs were _still_ occupied.

Oh well, one time wouldn’t hurt, right?

This dude sucked anyway. I mean, look at his fringe. Who even has a fringe anymore these days? And Luke’s not the one wearing a Tesco apron, for god’s sake.

“Good morning, sir.”

Shit, what was he thinking? Who even brings others down to make himself feel better? That’s just pathetic. Luke is pathetic and it’s probably written all over his face right now.

“Um, I, uh, hello.”

He pushed the corners of his mouth up in a weak attempt to smile. The cashier gave him a bored expression.

The silence that followed had iron grip on Luke’s throat, squeezing and squeezing until he was choking on air and his face ran red with lack of air. Oh who was he kidding? His face has been red since the moment he walked in.

“That’ll be 20.75, please.”

The cashier drummed his fingers on the cash register. Fuck, he was holding a twenty pound bill. His hands dug into his pockets, fishing for coins. He should have gathered them while his items were being scanned!

He breathed out in relief when he felt something metallic, and he carefully inspected the coins in his hand. With trembling fingers, he handed a few of them to the cashier, who took them without even looking at him.

“Sir, that’s 50p too much.”

“Oh yes, yeah, of course.”

His eyes were burning by now, a painful reminder that his anxiety wasn’t just something he could hide. The boy no doubt thought he was pathetic for crying over half a pound. His fingers were shaking too badly for him to just pick up the coin, so he sort of just had to slam his hand on the cash register and wipe it off without dropping it.

“Alright, have a nice day, sir.”

He gathered his items in his arms, stumbling back with way too many noodles in his arms, because he’d been too afraid to ask for a plastic bag and it was too fucking late now.

“T-thanks, too, uh, you too.”

Luke all but ran out of the store, careful not to drop anything. He spotted a bench not too far from the dangerous automatic doors (Luke had _experience_ , okay?) and sank down on it, piling his items beside him.

His breathing only sped up, a painful stabbing feeling crawling up his throat when he tried to suck in air. With tears in his eyes he pressed his hands on his face, harder and harder as if he believed he could push the tears back in.

This was stupid.

People were probably staring at him, but he was too afraid to look up, not exactly willing to give away that he was crying. His cheeks were burning hot and his hands were sweaty.

“Hey, boy, are you okay?”

The voice sounded right beside his ear, as if the person was hunched down next to him.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” he muttered, “perfectly fine.” His words were muffled by his sweater paws, but the stranger seemed to have heard anyway.

“Doesn’t look like that to me,” he scolded, but it sounded warm and Luke could tell the man was concerned. “Come on, show me your face.”

Luke shook his head, because if no one had seen him crying, it didn’t happen. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder, warm and huge and _comforting_ , and before he knew what was happening long fingers were prying his mask away.

“There we go.”

Their eyes met, and Luke started crying even harder, a sob shaking his whole body, because he was having a mental breakdown in front of an _attractive_ stranger. The man had honey-coloured curls that gave him a playful look, despite the suit he was wearing. There was a leather briefcase resting at his feet and had Luke mentioned the golden watch yet?

“I’m sorry,” Luke whimpered, aggressively wiping at his eyes with his sleeves.

“Hey, don’t be sorry. What’s got you so upset?” The boy asked, his fingers caressing Luke’s cheek. Luke felt himself leaning into the touch, it was pretty cold outside after all, and his skin was radiating heat. Not that Luke needed any more of that, what with his burning cheeks and excessive sweating.

“I, I just,” he shook his head again. “Never mind, it’s stupid.”

The boy bit his lip, clearly frustrated by Luke’s stubbornness. Great, now Luke had managed to piss another person off.

“It’s not stupid if it got you this upset.”

Luke swallowed painfully, his throat was dry and he could feel the syllables sticking to his teeth.

“I-I, it’s the, uh, the shop.”

“The shop?”

“I, uh, I don’t like being t-there,” Luke wanted to punch himself in the face for his stupidity. How on earth was this boy supposed to know what he was talking about? He pierced his skin with his nails, for lack of a better alternative.

“Don’t do that,” the stranger reprimanded, slapping his hand away. “You have social anxiety, don’t you?”

Luke nodded sheepishly.

“That’s okay, love. Nothing to be ashamed of.” He smiled warmly, his green eyes widened adorably.

“I have to run now, got a meeting in a few, but feel free to call me when something is wrong.” His hand dug into his pocket, somehow a lot more gracefully than Luke when he was looking for some change, and he pulled out a little card. “Or, you know, just because.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Luke, I’m so sorry you had to- Wait, why are you smiling like that?”

Niall burst through the door, never one to bother with knocking. He already had his apology planned and was mentally prepared to comfort his roommate in case he was crying.

Luke wasn’t crying though. He was, in fact, staring into space with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face. His fingers were still trembling, but he had changed shirts and washed his face. The only remnants of today’s escapade were the shivers that still ran down his spine and the _business card_ inside his pocket.

“I got someone’s number,” he all but smirked.

“You what now?”

Niall took a seat on his bed, his speech already forgotten about, and rested his head on his knees. His eyes were widened almost comically and his lips curled up in a suspicious half-smile. Luke wondered if he should be offended.

“A boy, an attractive one at that, felt the need to give me his number,” he was _definitely_ smirking now, his mental breakdown on the back of his mind and his fingers already searching for the little piece of paper. It was a little crumpled already, as Luke hadn’t stopped fumbling with it since he’d gotten his hands on it. He handed it to Niall anyway.

“You got a _business card_?”

Niall bit his lip as he considered Luke’s words, reading the information on the card over and over again until Luke ripped it away.

“Ashton Irwin of the company IrwinWorks?”

He grinned. “My Lukey is growing up. What did you have to do to get your hands on this?”

Luke looked down, examining his fingernails, as the _oh_ so familiar heat in his cheeks returned. His smirk had disappeared, replaced by the lip-biting Niall always reprimanded him for.

“Had an anxiety attack.”

His words were shaky, like his stubborn fucking hands, and surely Niall must have noticed.

“Told you anxiety isn’t the end of the world,” the blonde joked, but when Luke looked up, he discovered Niall’s smile, too, was gone. They both knew his disorder had a big influence on his life. After half a year of college, Niall was still his only friend and that was only because he was his _roommate._

“So, are you gonna text him or not?” It was an obvious attempt to change the subject, but it worked. Luke instantly started grinning, fishing his phone out of his pocket. His trembling fingers hovered over the screen, which was broken.

“I don’t know. Is it too soon?”

Niall snorted, the eye roll that followed making Luke slap his arm.

“We’re not in eighth grade anymore, you moron! Just text the damn guy.”

“Fine, fine. It’s just- you know, he’s a business man. He said he had a meeting.”

“Well then he’ll reply in an hour or so.”

He shrugged, plopping down on the couch and grabbing his laptop. Although Luke could probably use some advice, he was glad Niall let him text in peace. This was his chance to get to know Ashton properly, seeing as there was no way in hell he’d be able to stutter out a coherent sentence in his presence. With a sigh, he unlocked his phone and opened his messages. He had already saved the new number in his phone, so all have had to do was make the first move.

That turned out to be a lot more difficult than he’d anticipated, something that could be blamed on his fingers. If only they’d stop fucking _shaking_ , he would be able to send a text without having to retype everything three times.

 **Luke** : _hi there! :) it’s luke here_

He forced himself to put his phone on his bedside table, following Niall’s example and grabbing his laptop. Though unlike his irresponsible roommate (this was the second time Niall was doing his freshman year) he actually intended on doing some homework.

In fact, he was already half way his History paper when his buzzed. He sent Niall a quick glance, and, upon discovering that the blond had fallen asleep mid Game of Thrones episode, opened the message.

 **Ashton** : _the boy from the shop?_

He frowned, before looking down in shame. Of course he wasn’t the only person Ashton had given his number to. What was he even thinking?

Well, at least Ashton didn’t use the word _mental breakdown_.

 **Luke** : _yes_

Ashton’s reply came instantly.

 **Ashton** : _oh! you didn’t tell me your name :) luke it is then! pretty name you got there, luke_

A blush rose to Luke’s cheeks, despite the cliché. Even though his anxiety had only come up during his last years of high school, Luke had only had one girlfriend before, and, well, she was a _girl._ And Luke was _gay_.

 **Luke** : _thanks :) how’d the meeting go?_

After being loverless for the past few years, he wasn’t sure what the exact texting etiquette was. Were you supposed to be subtle? Or did you just tell them straight up that you kind of wanted them to press you up against the wall, because _damn,_ that’s a pretty face? He decided to wait until the dust had settled, observing Ashton and his text style before taking any chances himself.

 **Ashton** : _same old, same old. people disagreeing and planning a new meeting_

Luke had no idea what that meant, but he would like to find out, and judging by Ashton’s quick replies, he wouldn’t mind explaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i skipped a few weeks sorry this isn't a serious story so

The sun was shining brightly, a last good day before the winter officially started. There were barely any clouds , and those that did dare colour the blue sky looked soft and fluffy.

Luke was walking outside, amidst the crowd that was enjoying the beautiful weather. Luke was breathing  _normally_.

Over the course of the past few weeks, Ashton and Luke had been messaging each other. It hadn't taken Luke long to figure out the texting etiquette. The only problem was that Ashton's style changed every time  _they_ changed.

Luke had started going outside for fun last week, and so far he was enjoying it. With his phone in his hand, he felt a lot safer. It was like an extra crutch, knowing Ashton was only a few letters away.

Today, he'd convinced himself, he was going to try something new. He was going to a coffee shop. You know, order his own coffee, sit at a table,  _not_ freak out, the whole deal.

He walked up to the counter, feeling his confidence waver at the sight of the long queue. The barista's were working fast, and everyone seemed able to ramble some order in less than five seconds. His phone felt heavy in his pocket. This was not a good idea.

But he had promised himself, and Luke always kept that kind of promises, so he stood behind a young girl. Well,  _young_ , Luke was only eighteen himself.

He got closer to the counter at an alarming speed, and he could feel his heart pound in his chest. His throat closed up, his fingers already tingling in his pockets.

He glanced at the list of options above him, and he considered turning around and leaving the shop. How was he supposed to pick something like that? The orders were unnecessarily long and he didn't know half of the w-

"Good afternoon, sir. May I take your order?"

Luke whipped his head around, looking at the barista with widened eyes.

"I, uh, I'd like one of those chocolate-chip ones."

The young girl seemed exasperated, her hands clenching around the cups she was holding. She glanced somewhere behind him, probably looking at the long queue, while trying to get him to order properly.

"Size?"

"V-venti?"

"Extra shots?"

Luke blinked.

"Vanilla, hazelnut, caramel?"

"Caramel."

"Liquid base?"

"Normal milk?"

"Hot or iced?"

"Iced."

"That'll be £3.50 please."

After paying, Luke stumbled away from the counter, cheeks red and sweat dripping down his neck. His head was spinning. He tried to find an empty booth, standing on his tip-toes to see past the crowd. Luckily, most people didn't drink their orders inside.

He spotted a table and sped towards it, only tripping over people's bags and chairs four times. As he sank down on his own chair, he finally unclasped his drink from his trembling fingers. It was dented now. Without thinking it over, he pulled out his phone.

Luke: r u free?

He glanced at his drink while awaiting a response. In all honesty, he had no idea what he had just ordered. He sort of just hoped it didn't taste too bad, because he wasted a couple of pounds on it. Luke regretted coming.

Ashton: yes! :)

Luke: wanna head over to the starbucks near the park? i may or may not have tried to order coffee..

He prayed Ashton took the hint. Out of all of their exchanged messages, some of them had been about Luke's anxiety. He hadn't said anything special, merely confirmed Ashton's suspicion again and told him what happened sometimes (always) when he went out.

Before Luke could finish his internal monologue, going over each and every anxiety-related subject they'd covered, his phone buzzed again.

Ashton: proud of you, love. be there in 3

And now was the moment Luke could magically breathe again. The sweating stopped, allowing him to look at least somewhat decent, because  _shit, he was meeting up with Ashton. He was finally going to see him again._ His fingers stopped trembling and his mind stopped throwing insults at him.

_Not._

His breathing only became shakier, his nails digging into the palm of his hand. Luke already regretted messaging Ashton. His eyes were glassy, covered in a coat of tears. Luke was afraid one word of Ashton would send them straight down his cheeks.

He pulled out his phone and opened Ashton's contact. His trembling fingers were already hovering over the touch screen (quite uselessly) (he would have been better off typing with his nose), when he felt someone tap his shoulder.

"Ashton," he breathed. The name felt nice on his tongue, despite how swollen and big it felt. Ashton's breathing was just as erratic as Luke's. He must have ran here.

"Luke." If it felt nice pronouncing Ashton's name, it felt like heaven hearing his own. Ashton's accent was slightly different and it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly Luke felt like Ashton had been saying it a lot. "Are you okay?"

Luke was many things at that time. Out of breath, anxious, sweating, scared, paralised, on the verge of tears, petrified. Yet  _okay_  was something he didn't even come  _close_ to.

"Maybe?" Because Luke was never good at speaking the truth. Ashton shook his head, but there was a smile on his face. He pulled out a chair and sat across from him.

"There's no need to lie, Luke. We both know you're not okay."

"Then why did you ask?" He fired back. Ashton rolled his eyes, and Luke giggled. It felt nice.

"Can I hold your hands? They're trembling."

Although he wished Ashton wouldn't ask, he nodded anyway. He want him to just take them, lead them like he always did, because Luke is bad at that and more than often ends up backing out.

Ashton's hands enveloped Luke's and he's reminded of the feeling of Ashton comforting him. He seemed intent on calming Luke down, his attention focussed on his fingers and the way they were still trembling. Luke seized the moment to take in his appearance. When they first met, he had only seen tatters of Ashton between his fits of panic.

Ashton's hair was quite messy, but his black suit made up for it. His golden watch was still there, clasped around his right wrist, and he was wearing a golden ring.

"What happened?"

His words startled Luke, a blush the only remnant of his stare. Ashton was no longer looking at their entwined hands, now focussed on Luke's face with a gaze that burned harder than the tears that were still prickling in Luke's eyes.

Luke shrugged.

"I tried to order something."

After glancing at the cup on their table, Ashton sent him a smile.

"And you did."

The way he said it made shivers run down Luke's spine. The good kind, because his words were oozing with warmth.

"Barely."

Luke shrugged again and Ashton squeezed his hand softly.

"I don't even know what I ordered."

That sent another smile on Ashton's face, the world's cutest giggle escaping his mouth. Ashton leaned closer, his voice reduced to a whisper.

"I dare you to take a sip."

Luke giggled too now, slowly reaching out for the drink and bringing the straw to his lips. Ashton made a show of counting down, complete with a drumroll, and Luke couldn't help but wonder how on earth this guy had such a professional looking business card. After one, he shut his eyes and took a sip.

His face scrunched up in disgust, startling a laugh out of Ashton.

"That awful?"

"Horrible! No wonder the barista was looking at me like that."

Ashton squeezed his hand and shook his head.

"I bet you imagined that," he murmured. "Now how about I get us some real drinks?"

Before Luke could reply, Ashton was shoving his chair back. Luke cringed at the sound.

"If that's okay with you? Do you mind waiting here by yourself?"

He shook his head, shuffling in his seat. After noticing his discomfort, Ashton took a few steps back so he was closer to Luke.

"Hey, if something makes you feel bad, you'll tell me right? I want you to be happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys are still up for this i might continue it? i feel like writing about social anxiety and i'm also having sugar daddy feels so there's that   
> please let me know if you're still interested or not!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the support!
> 
> i know ive said it before but im gonna say it again: there's not gonna be a lot of relationship building and slowly falling in love we all know what we're here for

Luke’s hand shook around the steaming cup of coffee. Ashton was walking next to him, keeping a respectable distance, but glancing at him ever half a minute or so. The streets were still crowded, and Luke was trembling like a leaf.

“We could sit down if you want?” Ashton proposed. Luke nodded curtly, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to admit it, but there were tears threatening to cascade down his cheeks. He couldn’t cry. Not again. Surely there was a limit to the amount of times you could cry on a first date before it got socially unacceptable.

Ashton had to push him down to make him sit on the bench. His hands were still lingering on Luke’s hips, leaving burns and rainbows in their wake, but Luke was too busy backtracking his thoughts to notice.

“Wait,” he said. He paused for a moment to wince at his voice. It sounded hoarse after not having been used for so long. “Is this a first date?”

Ashton shuffled against him, his hands disappearing from Luke’s waist.

“Not exactly. I have to settle some things first.”

Of course. Why was Luke such an idiot? His nails dug into his skin. He probably made things awkward now. Who even asks someone if they’re on a date?

“But I’d like to do that with you in the future.”

Luke nodded curtly, still too horrified from ten seconds ago to trust his voice. Ashton’s hands grabbed Luke’s, freeing his skin and frowning at the pale half-moons that dented it.

“But,” he whispered, and Luke almost started crying. “I don’t want you to stress if that happens.” Ashton moved around on the bench until he caught Luke’s eye. “So maybe we should practise?”

Ashton’s thumb was now stroking the back of Luke’s hands, the endlessness of his eyes enough to render Luke speechless. They stared at each other. Luke felt the tears burning his eyes, flickering with the promise to ruin this moment and roll down his cheeks. Ashton squeezed his hand.

“Yeah, maybe we should,” he whispered. Ashton had to lean closer to hear, and their dazzling proximity almost knocked Luke off of the bench. Ashton broke out into a smile. From this close, Luke could see his lips and feel the words on his skin.

“Well,” Ashton said. “First, you put your head on my shoulder.” Luke did as he asked. “And now I kiss the top of your head.”

Ashton’s kiss felt like the cold drops of water falling on his head, sending shivers down his spine as they rolled down his back. Luke was worried about his hair. Did he wash it this morning? Did it look greasy from up close?

“I tell you I really like you.”

Luke clenched his eyes shut until the tears lined up where his eyelids met. He nodded again, his lips trembling with prayers begging for Ashton not to notice. His cheek burned where it rested on Ashton’s shoulder, and Luke honestly thought he was going to die.

“And then you tell me you really like me too.”

He could hear the smile in Ashton’s voice and he could hear it fall when his kind-hearted words were met with silence. Luke’s hands were close to ruining the cup. Perhaps the scalding hot coffee burning his trembling fingers would give him an excuse to cry and save him from this embarrassment.

“Luke?”

Ashton lifted Luke’s head off his shoulder, forcing him to meet his gaze once again. He frowned when he saw how red Luke’s eyes looked.

“Oh, Luke,” he whispered, as he stole the cup from Luke’s fingers. “Oh, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Luke shook his head in a wordless apology. Ashton mimicked the action.

“Oh, come here. I’ll get you out of here, if you want. Want me to get you home? I’ll give you a ride.”

He put the cup down next to him and got up. His hands grabbed Luke by the wrists, pulling him off the bench.

“Come on, love. Let’s go.”

The velocity of his decisions and actions rendered Luke dizzy, and he was taken aback once again by how easily Ashton swept him off his feet. They walked through the crowd, and Luke, Luke closed his eyes.

Now all he could feel was Ashton’s hand on his lower back, the other entwined with his own. His head was resting on Ashton’s shoulder, and Luke could feel his curls grazing his cheek when they bounced up and down. His body moved along with the steady rhythm of Ashton’s pace.

He kept his eyes closed as they rounded corners. When he was out by himself, Luke hated it when people bumped into him. It made him feel small, and the touch made his stomach churn. But now the way Ashton’s grip on him tightened every time someone came too close, he wished for a tidal with of people to walk all over him.

“Luke, we’re here. You can open your eyes now.”

Luke blushed when Ashton stopped. Had it been that obvious that he’d closed them?

He stumbled out of Ashton’s embrace, and opened his eyes. They were standing in front of a huge black car, the paint shining brightly in the sun and the keys safe in Ashton’s hands.

Luke couldn’t find it in him to be surprised.

“Let’s get going.”

With a loud click, the doors unlocked, and Ashton opened his door for him. He had to grab the bar at the side to get in, the seats too high for his trembling frame. The car was unsurprisingly clean, and Luke spotted Ashton’s briefcase in the back. It smelled of Ashton, new leather, and something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He saw a pack of cigarettes in the door.

“D’you wanna put your address in?” Ashton asked, pointing at the GPS on the touch screen. “It’ll be easier than giving me directions.”

Luke nodded quickly. The leather creaked when he leaned forward, his trembling fingers typing clumsily.

“You live in the dorms?”

Ashton asked. His eyes left the road momentarily to look at Luke. Luke hadn’t even noticed the engine starting.

“Yeah, I do. I’m still in college.” 

His hands tightened in his lap at the sight of Ashton. He had shrugged off his coat when Luke wasn’t looking, too busy sniffing his car, and now his shirt was showing off his biceps. His huge hands looked gorgeous, his fingers curled around the steering wheel, and he was biting his lip in concentration.

“I thought so. You smell like noodles.”

It was official. Luke was going to die right there. Sitting in a hot, rich business man’s car.

He blushed an entirely new shade of red, his hands clenched to fists in his lap.

“Luke, I’m only joking,” Ashton said. Luke turned his head to face him, and he broke out in a smile. Serious Ashton had disappeared. Next to him sat a boy with the highest giggle Luke had ever heard and mischief shimmering in his eyes. “I noticed the supply of noodles you bought when we met at the store.” 

Luke laughed out loud this time, the curious sound filling up the whole car. Ashton joined him, and Luke could feel the anxiety melting away. He loved it.

“You’re an asshole, do you know that?”

Ashton smirked.

“Give it a few dates, and who knows? Maybe I’ll be your asshole. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think! tumblr is: cutesymichael
> 
> i just went to a music festival and i was v v v close to josh dun from twenty one pilots and im so happy about it :))))
> 
> i'm also planning on writing a bdsm lashton fic btw!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so somewhere in this story room mate niall turned into room mate harry pls don't judge

Luke was still panting when he closed his door behind him. Ashton had sucked the air out of his lungs, without touching his lips, skin-on-skin contact and his gorgeous laugh enough to render Luke breathless. Despite his pants and the endless trembling, there was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
  
"Someone's in a good mood."   
  
Luke snapped his head up, eyes still a little too wide and his thoughts all jumbled. Harry smiled at him from across the room.   
  
"I went outside," he whispered. "I went outside!"   
  
Harry giggled loudly, shoving his laptop off his lap to stand up. His curls bounced up and down as he walked, framing his face like the work of art it was. Perched on top of his hair sat a flower crown, purple and blue weaved together, and Luke couldn't have been happier. Harry took his hand, dragging him to the couch, and they sat down with their knees touching.   
  
"I walked outside in the sun, and there were so many people, H. You should've seen it! I went to Starbucks to order some coffee. That didn't go too well, but Ashton came and-"  
  
It felt silly. It was silly. His enthusiasm and Harry's grin and the fact that Luke was gushing like a teenage girl. They both knew just how silly it was, stupid and ludicrous. Luke had gone outside before, that's how he met Ashton in the first place, and there were classes and trips to the grocery shop, but Luke wasn't suffocating.   
  
He may have been panting, but those were the traces Ashton left behind. A sign of excitement, not of dread, and Harry would've recognised it from miles away.   
  
"He dropped me off."   
  
Luke finished his rant, his eyes crinkling at the sides.   
  
"Ashton's the rich dude? The guy who gave you his business card?"  
  
He nodded, and Harry's smile dropped a little. It was barely noticeable, but change in demeanour rarely escaped Luke. As his confidence dropped, his perception sky-rocketed, his mind often tricking him to see things that weren't there.

  
"What? What's wrong?"

  
Harry shook his head, trying to get his grin back. When he saw it wasn't working, he crawled off the bed, leaving Luke's knees cold and taking his smile with him.

  
"Nothing, I was just thinking about something. It doesn't matter," Harry muttered, brushing his hair out of his face. He turned away from Luke and walked into their tiny make-shift kitchen.

 

Luke sighed, but dropped it, when Harry came back with a tiny carton box in his hands.

 

“Look what Louis got us!” He smiled, his eyes twinkling this time. His fingers looked huge compared to the pastries, delicate and tiny, a perfect description of their seller. “Éclairs.” Luke giggled when Harry attempted a French R, trying desperately to ignore the clenching in his stomach.

 

“How was he today?”

 

Harry grinned, repositioning his flower crown to keep his hands busy. He always got jittery when talking about Louis, the good kind, not the _Luke_ kind.

 

“Great, as always. He said he was wondering when you’d finally stop by.” Harry paused, his voice a little softer as his tone became serious. “It would be a good exercise, you know?”

 

Luke swallowed, avoiding Harry’s goes. The weight on his chest was too heavy to ignore now.

 

“Does he… _know_?”

 

Harry was silent for a moment, eyes soft and pitying when he looked at Luke.

 

“No, he doesn’t. He’s just eager to meet you, that’s all.”

 

He tried to fix it with a smile, bring the happy mood back, but what he’d said earlier was still lingering in Luke thoughts, and Luke wanted to seize the opportunity to ask.

 

“What was wrong? Earlier, I mean.”

 

Harry sighed, taking a seat next to Luke on the couch. His hand wrapped around Luke’s, they felt warm and huge, just like _Ashton’s_ did, and Luke thought that maybe Ashton’s hands felt like that only because his own were small and always cold.

 

“I’m just a little scared,” Harry whispered, looking down at his lap. “You’re my friend. I don’t want you getting hurt, and I don’t know this guy.”

 

“What do you mean?” Luke asked. He sounded like a child, he could tell. Harry squeezed his hand before continuing.

 

“It sounds too good to be true. A hot, rich man comes along and sweeps you off your feet. I can’t help but think, _what’s the catch?_ ”

 

Luke winced and untangled his fingers from Harry’s.

 

Harry was right. He _knew_ that. Luke had been through too much, was too _messed up_ to believe in fairy-tales.

 

“I think I may know the answer to that. Or a part of it, maybe,” he whispered. “He says he doesn’t want to go on a date with me just yet, says he has to do something first.”

 

He clenched his fists in his lap, staring at the tendons in his hand and the way they ran over his knuckles. They were silent for a while. Harry shuffled forward so their thighs were touching.

 

“I know,” Luke said. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s dodgy and strange, but fuck, the guy saved me from a panic attack today. If you hadn’t noticed yet, I’m a little fucked up. My disorder sets the expectations higher than most people can handle. I can’t just drop him, not because of this, not _yet_.”

 

Harry nodded, leaning forward. His lips felt warm on Luke’s forehead, and wet and soft and _familiar._

 

“Alright, I understand. Just be careful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls tell me if you liked it! i'm still not sure if i'll continue this?


	6. Chapter 6

The next rendezvous was set before Luke could catch his breath. His nerves were still frayed from his nearly-but-not-quite anxiety attack when he sent a confirmation text.

 

That was what they were calling it now. _Rendezvous_. For lack of a better word, Ashton had said. And although Luke didn’t particularly like it, -- it stung every time Ashton used it --, it did seem fitting. He liked the way it rolled off his tongue. A fancy word for someone like Luke, but Ashton used big words on a daily basis.

 

As it turned out, their _rendezvous_ was fancy as well, and Luke wasn’t particularly happy about it. Couldn’t Ashton have guessed that he was not into things like that? He had a near anxiety attack in _Starbucks_ , who knew what would happen when he had to dine at an actual restaurant?

 

It was too late now though.  Luke’s phone vibrated in his hand, the screen illuminated with the notification of a new message.

 **Ashton** : be there in five!! x

Luke bit his lip worriedly. He’d taken the lip ring out, afraid to be judged by fancy people, but he regretted it now. His mouth felt strange without the metal, and his tongue kept searching for something that wasn’t there.

“Oh stop it, will you?” Harry’s voice startled Luke. “You’re going to break the damn thing if you continue like that.”

Luke sighed, but allowed Harry to push his trembling fingers away from the tiny buttons of his black dress shirt. The boy was right; Luke had been fumbling with them for the past ten minutes, fruitlessly trying to button it up.

“Just try to calm down, okay?” Harry said, after buttoning his shirt and straightening his collar. Luke took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the tension in his back and the annoying buzzing trapped underneath his skin.

“Are you sure this outfit is okay? Don’t you think I’ll be underdressed? I mean, he’s a CEO,” Luke rambled. “Why on earth did I think this was a good idea? There are going to be fancy people, and _fuck_ , I should have said no when I had the chance.”

Harry shook his head at Luke, before pulling him in a hug. His body felt warm and soft against Luke’s, the familiar feeling somewhat calming him down.

“You look great. Trust me,” he whispered, lips pressed against his collarbone.

“I made a mistake, Harry,” Luke said. His voice was small, as small is he felt in his dress shirt and grown up shoes, giving away the tears that blurred his vision. “This, this was a bad idea. I can’t do this, Haz. I _can’t_.”

Harry shook his head, but he wasn’t about to disagree. He wasn’t exactly fond of this whole dinner plan, and neither was Luke, but Luke wasn’t good at saying no, so they just had to deal with it.

“And so what if it goes wrong? You’ll see what he’s really made of,” Harry said, pushing Luke away to look him in the eye. He hoped Luke thought he did it to get the message across, because he was only breaking the hug because he couldn’t stand feeling Luke’s body tremble like that. “Besides, if it’s a bad night, he won’t ever ask you to a fancy dinner again,” he finished with a shrug.

Luke was about to protest when his phone rang, which meant Ashton was waiting outside of the dorm rooms. He whimpered, shutting his eyes tightly.

“Come on, Luke. You have to go now, okay? Trust me, you look stunning, and I bet Ashton will agree. And if it goes wrong, it’s not your fault. He knows about your anxiety, so he brought it upon himself.”

Harry’s hands gently cupped Luke’s face, guiding it to his lips for a kiss on his forehead, and Luke nodded, desperately wanting to believe his words.

“See you tonight, okay? I’ll wait up for you.”

“Okay,” Luke said. “Okay,” he said again. “Thank you,” he said, at last.

“No problem, now go!”

And with that, Luke was hurrying out of the building, too anxious to risk making Ashton wait. This time there wasn’t a huge car waiting, but a smaller, more elegant one. It was black though, just like the previous one, and Luke opened its door before he could change his mind.

“Hey there,” Ashton greeted, his smile as bright as the last time Luke saw him. It faltered a little upon noticing the state Luke was in, and Luke mentally cursed his anxiety for always making him tear up.

“What’s wrong, love? Don’t you wanna come?”

His trembling hand searched for Luke’s across the centre console, giving it a soft squeeze.

“It’s not that,” Luke muttered, voice already cracking, as he fought to keep the tears at bay. “I’m just a little nervous.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Ashton whispered, wide-eyed and worried. “I never meant to make you uncomfortable. I should have known this was a bad idea. I just wanted to surprise you!”

“About that,” Luke sighed. “I’m not really a fan of surprises.”

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. We can ditch, if you want?”

Luke shook his head, vehemently wiping at his eyes with the sleeves of his button down. Now that he took a good look, he noticed Ashton was wearing black skinnies and a plain white shirt. Luke felt his nails digging into his skin.

“No, no, it’s fine.”

“Is there anything I can do, at least? Something to make you feel more at ease?”

Ashton seemed genuinely concerned, and Luke realised that Harry had been right. This _was_ a great way to see if Ashton really meant it when he said he didn’t mind Luke’s anxiety.

“I’m not sure? Maybe walk me through it? That usually helps.”

Ashton nodded, face entirely serious, before pulling out an envelope. Inside was a fancy invitation, complete with fancy paper and fancy golden letters. For a new restaurant, Ashton explained him while he exited the dormitories’ parking lot.

As it turned out, they were on their way to a restaurant where you were supposed to eat in the dark, guided by blind people. Ashton often got invitations like that, and as the CEO of his very own company, he was required to go.

“I thought that maybe because it’s in the dark, your anxiety wouldn’t bother you as much? I don’t know, I read somewhere online that—“

Ashton looked so unsure of himself, so vulnerable in the faint glow of the streetlights that illuminated the car. Despite the expensive car and the invitation that was still on his lap, he managed to look like a regular twenty-something year old.

“Wait,” Luke said. “You’ve been looking up stuff online?”

Ashton pulled up in the parking lot behind the restaurant, shutting off the engine with a shrug.

“Of course,” he muttered, a barely noticeable blush painting his tanned cheeks, “I want to be able to help you as much as possible. I mean, what if I accidentally trigger you? Or say something insensitive? I just don’t wanna come across as an ignorant dick, you know?”

Luke blushed even harder than Ashton ever could, his face an impressive shade of red while he tried his hardest not to tear up again. He felt the need to kiss Ashton right then and there, partially to thank him and partially so Ashton wouldn’t be able to see his face, but quickly stopped himself. After all, this wasn’t a date.

“Thank you,” Luke whispered, quiet and sincere. The words had been on his lips for ages now, every moment he had spent with Ashton. They shaped his mouth, kept his lips glued tight together. It was for the better, perhaps. The effort it took to keep the words in was the only thing stopping Luke from pressing his lips against Ashton’s, pulling him in for a kiss.

The restaurant turned out better than expected. Ashton had interlaced their fingers, the simple gesture hidden in the omnipresent darkness. They talked in hushed whispers.

“That’s rather far from the dorms, right?” Luke asked, excitement making his lips tangle now that Ashton had finally revealed his address.

“It’s in a different part of town, one might say.” Ashton’s voice sounded different in the dark. Though it still sounded soft and kind, and Luke only fell deeper and deeper. “Not that there’s anything wrong with where you live,” he added. “There’s just─-for certain reasons, I─-I had to live in a, how do I put this, _nicer_ neighbourhood.”

The pressure of Ashton’s golden rings felt cold against Luke’s fingers.

“I understand,” Luke said, even though he most certainly _didn’t_. “And your house? What’s it like?”

Ashton sighed for a moment, and Luke held his breath. _Had he been rude? Did Ashton think Luke only cared about his wealth? Was it too personal?_

“It’s quite big, if you ask me,” Ashton said at last. “There are cute mugs everywhere. We collect those. Some of the rooms have a minimalist aesthetic, but most of them are very warm. That’s something I think is important,” he whispered, “warmth.”

Luke hummed thoughtfully, tracing the soft skin of Ashton’s trembling hand with his fingers.

“I agree. I don’t think I would be able to live in a cold house. The vibes, they would kill me, I suspect. I’m very sensitive when it comes to─-“

“Luke, there’s something I need to tell you.”

The interruption startled him, stole the air straight out of his lungs. Luke felt his confidence wavering, found himself wishing he could see his friend’s face in the dark. Never before had Ashton interrupted him, especially not when he was revealing something personal. Luke was going to throw up.

“I mean─-I think you know that─-that you know that there’s something.” Ashton was stumbling as much as Luke, and all of a sudden the darkness felt too small and too tight. “But I think I should tell you now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a mess and a short one at that
> 
> this took me way too long sorry
> 
> pls let me know what you think
> 
> (im also reachable on tumblr: cutesymichael)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this is super short

Five weeks later Luke was sitting in a restaurant once again. It was a pizza place this time with greasy tables and underpaid waiters, and Ashton had paid the owner to only play Luke’s _calming down_ playlist all night. He was wearing a shirt Ashton had bought him. It matched his features perfectly, and the fabric felt like heaven. Luke had held it in his hands last night, trembling fingers hovering across his keyboard. He wanted to google the brand, check just how expensive it was, but Harry came home before he could go through with it.

“Luke?” Ashton asked, gently rubbing his thumb across the palm of Luke’s hands. Luke had gotten used to the gentle touches, eager yet hesitant, and there only to comfort him.

Luke whispered, “Sorry, I was daydreaming,” but his thoughts were stuck on the fact that the table was set for _three_.

Ashton noticed, smiling sadly. “It’s okay,” he whispered, although it sounded like he was the one apologising. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears, hands trembling on top of Luke’s.

“I suppose I should finally tell you, right?”

Luke swallowed thickly, and it felt like his lungs were shrinking, because _yes_ he was breathing, but _no_ he wasn’t get enough air.

“No,” he squeaked, cringing at himself. “Please wait.”

Ashton looked up, surprised by his outburst.

“Can you give me your coat?”

“I—, of course. Let me just—“

Ashton stumbled out of his chair with a clumsiness Luke had never seen before. His hands felt warm when Ashton draped the pea coat around his shoulders. Luke sighed contently, sinking back into the heat of the fabric until it swallowed him whole.

It was quiet for a moment, the chatter of other clients soothing for once while Tyler Joseph sang in the background.

“Luke—“ Ashton paused, his trembling hand searching Luke’s as he blinked back tears. “You do know that I love you, right?”

Luke’s heartrate sped up. His whole face turned red, as he clenched his free hand into a fist. His lungs seemed to shrink, keeping him from getting enough air.

“Luke?” Ashton pulled his fingers to his lips, gently kissing them without letting his eyes leave Luke’s features. His long eyelashes were glued together with tears, but he made no move to hide his emotions. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, as if he believed uttering those three words had hurt Luke somehow.

“Please, just get it with,” Luke whimpered, slowing down when he corrected himself. “Get it _over_ with.”

Ashton smiled softly, at what Luke didn’t know, and sent a quick text on his phone. His curls hid his eyes as he looked down, precious gold in the filthiness of the pizza restaurant. Luke wanted to run away.

Before he could flee, though, a boy appeared in the doorway, and Luke suddenly regretted not calming his anxiety before giving Ashton the permission to reveal his secret.

His brown skin was gorgeous, glowing underneath the cheap lamps that illuminated the restaurant. His hair was tousled too perfectly for it to be effortless, his shoulders engulfed by a long black coat. Luke noticed the logo of his shirt had been embroidered into the fabric and swallowed. The boy’s smile disappeared when he noticed Ashton’s coat wrapped around Luke, but he held out his hand nonetheless.

“Hi, I’m Calum. I’m Ashton’s husband.”

*

The cold wind sent shivers down Luke’s spine. He had ditched Ashton’s coat, and the thin shirt wasn’t doing much to keep him warm. The moon hung low, casting uncertain beams of light on the carpark outside of the restaurant. Luke wanted to text Harry, ask him to come pick him up, but his fingers were shaking too badly.

“Hey, are you alright?”

Luke startled, cursing the way it made his body ache. His senses were heightened. Even the weakest sensation made him feel like he’d been hit by a freight train, knocking the air out of his lungs and electrocuting his nerves.

“Fine,” Luke whispered, half of his words evaporating in the darkness. The sight of Calum hit him hard.

“Are you sure?” Calum asked, leaning _too_ close. Luke could see wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, remnants of years spent with Ashton. His hot breath hit Luke’s cold skin, and Luke felt himself cringe.

_Had Luke’s nose turned a violent red? Did his own breath smell like the pepperoni pizza he had just devoured, with cheese strings sticking to his chin and grease staining his fingers? Had Calum seen how messily he eats? How his hands shake and twitch?_

“Ashton told me you don’t always feel comfortable,” Calum said. Luke didn’t respond, so he continued: “Ashton, he─he worries. About you.”

Calum fell silent, his lips forming a tight line once again. His eyes looked sad, despite the things he’d said earlier, when they were still inside. The tingling heat in the pit of his stomach he’d felt when Ashton smiled at him, seemed like an old memory.

“Please say something,” Calum asked, taking a step back. “Ashton really wants this to work.”

Luke focussed on his breathing, forced himself to take deeper breaths. Suddenly, he longed for Ashton’s coat, for the comfort its weight on his shoulders had brought.

“I don’t─I don’t even know you!” His voice sounded too harsh, and Calum cringed.

“Then get to know me.” Calum sighed, looking at his hands. He looked impossibly beautiful in the moonlight. Not even the vile streetlights could soil his grandeur. “He won’t stop talking about you, you know that? He worries if you’re eating enough, if you’re anxiety isn’t bothering you too much. Whenever he talks about you he─his voice gets a little lighter.” Calum paused, raking a hand through his hair. “He wants to keep you close, Luke.”

He stepped closer, the scratchy exterior of his coat rubbing against Luke’s bear arm. He could feel his warmth radiating through the fabric and focused on not leaning too close or too far away. When he spoke, Calum’s lips were so close he could feel the echo of his words.

“He wants us both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me headcanons on [tumblr](http://cutesymichael.tumblr.com/) if u wanna make me smile!!

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think! if there's anything you wanna see in the story, feel free to suggest it :)


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